Aunt Patty's Adoption Blog

Preparing Yourself For Your First Contact

2009-04-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

I want to take a few minutes to talk about the importance of initial contact between YOU (whether you are a birth parent or an adoptee) and the person you seek. This initial contact can be critical and can make all the difference in the world; it can facilitate a wonderful reunion or it can do more damage than most of you realize.

I write this because I have been doing what I'll call "damage control" for the last week with two unrelated individuals. I am not going to name names because confidentiality is important and even though one person did the damage in both cases, the truth is, the possibility of the 3rd party initial contacts doing more harm than good always exists. Everyone searching needs to be keenly aware of this and needs to be exceptionally careful in selecting who makes those initial contacts if you cannot do it yourself which is clearly the best possible option.

When we are searching, we get in an extremely focused mode where all of our energy is poured into the search. In this searching mode, this gathering of information mode we leave no stone unturned and visually I liken it to finding an old trunk in an attic. Very often, we open the trunk and begin to tear through its contents with this deep seated longing to find that one important thing that we "just know is in there." In our search mode we come upon many trunks, often getting to the very bottom and finding nothing.

One day, at the bottom of one of those trunks there is going to be what you are looking for and the minute you see it, the minute you find it, I can only hope that your entire attitude and frame of reference will change; that you will step back in awe as if a radiant glow surrounded this long sought-out treasure and that you will touch it as gently as you would pick up the most delicate and fragile of items, knowing that if you don't handle it with great care it may crumble to dust in your hands.

It's time to stop; time to step back; time to take a good look what you have found and try to imagine and plan how you can best lift it from the bottom of the trunk and hold it close to your heart without doing any damage. You do not know the pain, the shame and the anguish that was sealed in that trunk and the damage it may have done to the one you have just found. The search is over; now you must do whatever it takes for you to get out of search mode and this is rarely done overnight. This requires a new type of energy, one that is much more tender and gentle.

Please don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Yes, the outrage is about YOU (if you are an adoptee) and about all adoptees as a group in our society but the moment you find you need to redirect any outrage you may feel. It is now not only about you, but also about the person you found and anyone else that may occupy space in their heart.

There are CIs (Confidential Intermediaries) out there who (in some states) must make the initial contact -- part of the reason I am opposed to using CIs. There are also search angels who thrive on making the initial contact for a variety of reasons. They may be conducting your research for you for free or a small fee; they may like having control of the situation; they may be someone who has nothing else going on in their life and this "find" and the control of this "find" makes them feel important and needed. The reasons, which I don't have time to analyze, really do not matter; please beware of any "search angel or better stated search person" who is hesitant to give you the information so that you can make the initial contact on your own.

Having said that, there is nothing wrong with working with a search angel who will work with you until you are comfortable enough to make the first contact yourself.

It's time for you to gather and hold on to every ounce of patience you can. Making an initial contact that is not immediately glorious does NOT mean you have failed. If you do not get an immediate response, let it sit a spell -- years have likely passed and another week, while it will seem like forever, isn't going to hurt. You are about to make an emotional revelation to the one you have found; it will bring up feelings in that person that perhaps they never knew existed.

If you find yourself coming up short in the patience department, it does NOT mean you need to let someone else step in and take over. If you have made an attempt to make contact and a response was not immediate, you may hear something like,

"Let me call and talk to her. I am closer to her in age and she will be able to relate to me."

If you haven't waited a reasonable amount of time, another phone call or email from someone else may put entirely too much pressure on the treasure you just found. It will help you to remember how fragile the entire situation may be...you do not know this person, you do not know what is going on in their life, you do not know what they are capable of dealing with -- in fact, you know nothing except that you found them and you want to talk to them.

In the past week, I have worked with one birth mother who was given very poor advice from a search angel (no one I know personally I'm proud to say). This birth mother was advised to send four emails, she was advised to have the half sibling send two messages within a few days. When that didn't work, the search angel (and I really would like to use another word here) suggested that she talk to the adoptee. In
desperation, the birth mother gave her permission which resulted in hourly phone calls at the adoptee's work place and her home. Final result -- 19 contacts in one weeks time to one young woman who was not prepared to deal with any of this and who needed the time to let it all sink in. Every contact pushed her further and further away.

I also worked with one adoptee this week who was given similar advice from the same search angel. The birth mother was initially contacted by a CI five years ago.

This happens to be one birth mother who was promised confidentiality...a rare thing but I believe it in this case. For five years, this woman lived in constant fear that her husband and her children would find out. Once the CI was out of the picture, the adoptee contacted her birth mother several times as she was instructed to do. When the birth mother tried to explain why she couldn't have contact with her, the adoptee was advised to be persistent and to begin to search for the birth father as well. Unfortunately, searching for the birth father in a small town of about 1,000 people resulted in further exposing the birth mother. The adoptee was encouraged to continue to pursue her search for her father and further convinced to allow the search angel to again contact the mother.

I'm going to be very specific here because if you should ever hear this type of question from someone who is about to call your birth mother -- forbid her to make the call! The search angel, in a casual conversation, asked the adoptee,

"Would you contact your half-siblings in the event of the death of the birth mother?"

The adoptee answered that she would. Sadly, that answer translated into the search angel threatening the birth mother by telling her that everyone would know upon her death.

When the threat from the search angel didn't get the expected and hoped for result, the search angel advised the adoptee to call the birth mother's sister. Folks...this is breaking a cardinal rule.

The birth mother's sister knew nothing about the pregnancy, resulting birth and adoption as she is older and was away at college at the time. However, the sister was willing to talk to the adoptee and explain that her birth mother is married to a very prominent figure in the community who also happens to be a very controlling man.

As a crisis intervention specialist, this is where things were when I entered the picture. Damage control doesn't even begin to describe what needed to be done here, and please don't misunderstand me, I am NOT patting myself on the back. The message I am trying to convey is that it is NOT all about you anymore. Others, their lives, the persons in their lives and in fact, their very safety may come into play.

Be ready and willing to respect and honor the person you find regardless of the fears and short-comings they possess. Be ready to be patient and caring. Prepare yourself to make the initial contact on your own with all the help from true angels that you can get. Be prepared to understand that while your actual search may be over, your wait may not be.

Beware of anyone who wants to make that contact for you -- you have no guarantee as to what they will say or the tone of voice they will use. And know that that contact may be the only contact so if you come away with nothing more than having heard your mother's voice, that's something worth cherishing.

Damage control isn't always successful. I'm happy to report that in the case of the birth mother it appears that it was. She has warm and caring email communication going on with her daughter.

In the case of the adoptee, she is meeting her birth mother this week. The birth mother, who by now is visibly trembling most of the time, cannot eat and keep anything down and cannot sleep, along with her sister, agreed to meet the adoptee if the adoptee would agree to cease her search for her birth father. The birth mother had to wait for her husband to be away and had to sneak to another city to have this meeting.

It's about genuine unconditional love, respect and honor. If you don't truly feel those things in your heart once you find, hold off on making contact until you are better prepared to deal with every possible scenario.

One further thought: If you have a successful conversation with your birth mother, please take the time to get to know her before asking about your birth father. Often this makes a birth mother feel as though finding her is not enough and initially she needs to be enough because she likely went through it all alone.

Were You Born in Albany, New York in 1958?

2009-03-11T14:57:00.000-07:00

Imagine this. You are a young unmarried woman, deeply in love with a man who swears he loves you and has promised, any number of times, to marry you. You discover you are pregnant. Due to your circumstances, the fact that you are not married to the baby's father, you feel ashamed that you are expecting, you don't have enough money or resources to support a baby, you plan to give this child up for adoption.

As the pregnancy progresses, you are told you are carrying twins. You rethink the adoption plan, fearing that your babies will be separated at birth and will not be raised in the same loving home you were assured they would have.

Against all odds, because we know there is no help or encouragement for single mothers who wish to keep their children, (and there was even less help back in 1958) you leave the hospital with your twin sons, determined to do whatever you must to keep your family together.

The father of the boys is occasionally on the scene; he sees you and the boys, he helps out when he can but still his promises of marriage remain empty.

The twins are only a few months old when you discover you are pregnant again. You know you are not able to support and care for another child and you return to the same agency you used before. Once again, they assure you this baby will be placed in a loving home and will be given all the things you cannot possibly provide for it. You feel pressured. It's not an easy or a comfortable decision, but you tell yourself you will try to keep an open mind about it; after all, everyone is telling you it's in the best interest of the child.

A blizzard of record proportion hits Albany mid February and you worry about getting to the hospital if you go into labor since you are due any day now. Over the next two days, city crews manage to clear the streets and on the 21st day of February you arrive safely at the hospital to deliver this baby.

The stages of your labor are recorded and hospital records do not indicate that you were given anything for pain. Several hours later, the baby is born at precisely 6:09; you probably never heard her cry because precisely at 6:09 you are given demerol and ether which knocks you out. You wake up, well over an hour later, and are told you delivered twin baby girls, both stillborn. You ask to see them and you are denied. You ask for paperwork, death certificates, stillborn birth certificates whatever is provided in cases like this and you are told there is no paperwork for you to see.

Now imagine this: An adoptee is searching for her birth mother. She knows little, which is typical of the information given to adoptees, but she does know she was born on February 21, 1958 to an unmarried woman who already had twin boys about two years of age. She was told she was born with a positional club foot, corrected with massage. She is also told her mother struggled with her surrender and did not turn her over to the authorities until she was several months old, when she finally signed the relinquishment papers.

The adoptee's search is diligent; she and I team up with other search angels. She photographs yearbooks, every woman who even vaguely fits the description of her mother since she was told her mother relocated to Albany from another state to finish high school after her own mother's death. The adoptee is told she is most likely, based on the information they received from her mother, the result of a one night stand, a blind date her mother was talking into.

I could not possibly count the number of places her search information was posted on the internet, the number of city directories searched, the number of obits searched, the number of emails sent to potential classmates and phone calls that were made and the list goes on. Finally, there is a break through. Her twin brothers are located.

Fast forward to today: The adoptee is reunited with her twin brothers via phone and email; a face to face is in the works. Sadly her birth mother passed away a few years ago, but not before this kind and loving woman moved back to her home state, met and married wonderful man who would be totally dedicated to her, her children and their children for thirty years.

The adoptee also learns she has an even bigger family; it's not just the twin boys but also two other children adopted out before her mother's marriage, and two half siblings from the marriage. DNA testing was done and the adoptee is the full sister to the twins and two others, one male, one female; all of whom had found each other a few years ago.

She learns that her mother had wondered all her life if her twin girls were really stillborn. It would be easy for a reader to judge her; please don't. She never lied about her past and her deep love for the man who fathered her children; she was open and honest with all her children, which helped them to find one another, well almost - there is, according to the stories the mother shared before her death, one more child born sometime in 1960 and of course, the other "stillborn" twin girl.

My own outrage: This mother lived all her life being told her twin daughters were stillborn. This adoptee has searched much of her adult life hoping to find her mother. I know this goes on. It has happened to other mothers and other adoptees. And yet, I am outraged! I will continue to be outraged!

Why is a mother knocked out with ether and demerol at the precise moment her baby is born if the physician on the receiving end of that baby is an honorable physician?

This woman's paper trail (same agency) would clearly indicate that she changed her mind once before when she delivered twins, fearing they would be immediately separated. It would also indicate that this woman was gutsy enough (remember we are talking about 1958 here) to initiate a paternity action against the father and win!!!

How long have the adoptive parents been standing in line, waiting for this woman to give birth and how much money did they pay to stand in line? Is there a birth certificate? Does it have the adoptive mother's name on it?

Where is the other twin? Was it really stillborn? Was it really a girl? If she's living, does she even know she is adopted? Nothing in the adoptee's hospital records (which she has since been able to obtain) indicates a positional club foot; maybe in all the bullshit flying around that day while the mother was knocked out,
it was the other twin who had the club foot? Once someone starts playing God and spitting out lies between their teeth (which BTW is something God does not do), I imagine it's difficult to keep it all straight.

I realize this didn't happen to every woman who gave birth in Albany, New York in 1958, but it happened to one and that's one too many.

Call me livid; call me angry and you would be right! We are looking for someone born on February 21, 1958 in Albany, New York. We have no idea how to find you but if that's your date and place of birth, and maybe you've always felt like you didn't quite fit into your family, there may be a reason. We have more information than is posted here. I know TRUTH can be a scary thing. Upon finding the truth, it isn't always honorable, right and just. Still, I prefer to be a seeker of the truth; I don't like walking in the dark, amongst lies, at all.

Peace to you all and those you love,
Aunt Patty

The Adoption Story Board

2009-03-02T14:10:00.000-08:00

I'd like to invite every member of the Adoption Triad to participate in The Adoption Story Board. It is your opportunity to put a human face on a situation, an injustice that has existed far too long.

It is an opportunity for everyone to read the words of those touched by adoption in some way and to see their faces. We all look at faces; birth parents and adoptees alike have walked down the street or stood in line at the grocery store wondering if the person near them once belonged to them.

The reader of the Adoption Story Board can see the face of a child, now an adult, that someone had to surrender to adoption and read about their search; they can see the face of a birth mother who has searched for her child for many years and seeing that face will help to erase the stigma associated with unwed mothers and the mindset that so many people had and still have about women who give up their children. I hope it will encourage more birth mothers to search as they read her story.

Birth fathers may write their stories too. Not all of them walked away and left the mother to carry the burden alone. We know many of them were never allowed to participate in the decision; some were never told about the child until years later.

Each person who adds their story to the Adoption Story Board is given an entire webpage to tell their story. It can be as long or as short as you wish. In addition to sharing your search information, I hope some will also talk about the brick walls you have hit along the way and what it feels like to wonder about your heritage, your medical background, where you came from and who you look like. Do you have siblings, grandparents and aunts and uncles? I encourage everyone to include photos - those are the faces people need to see. It is your story and you will not have to share the webpage with anyone else. It can be edited if you find someone you are searching for and are still looking for others.

As a search angel, I have read through thousands of database entries. I have to admit that I am hard pressed to always remember where I saw pieces on information that may be relevant to a search I'm working on now. I do, however, remember a story and where I read it. I remember a face and I always remember the vivid pictures that someone's words create in my mind.

For those who may not have been touched by adoption, it gives them an opportunity to know those who have and to see their faces. These are the folks who phone their congressmen and senators when legislation is in committee; their phone calls and letters can make a difference. They have never had to tell a physician they have no medical background information and they have never been without their original birth certificate. It is an opportunity to share knowledge, to teach.

Readers will also have a chance to see the faces of adoptive parents too. There are many adoptive parents who have helped and supported their grown children in their search. The have seen first hand that in the end, it didn't result in them being set aside and it didn't result in anyone taking their place. Such stories can be an encouragement to other adoptive parents.

I also don't mind if some of you wish to get political as long as you include your basic search information. Very few states support adoptee's rights and it's time the average person hears about the hoops we have to jump through just to get minimal non-identifying information and the medical issues we have to face when knowledge before hand might have prevented them.

Reunion stories are welcome too. Someone's successful search will hold keys that others may well be able to use. It will also give others HOPE!

The Adoption Story Board is not intended to replace any of the other wonderful databases that we use on a regular basis as they are critical and important to all searches. There is no mailing list associated with it and it is not a search and support group. We have many wonderful groups and I hope those who write their stories will include the places where they have registered so that others who are considering a search may join.

The Adoption Story Board is an enhancement, a tool we can all use in seeking the same goal - reuniting our families. It's a place for information and pictures to be located on one page; a place where a human face and the words they write will stick in someone's mind. A reader will know who you are looking for, possibly what you've been through if you wish to write about that and what you look like. They might even think you look like someone they know who gave up a son or daughter years ago and is afraid to search, afraid of being rejected.

The Adoption Story Board is a branch of my genealogy web site which has been on the internet for 11 years and attracts thousands of visitors each day. I anticipate the Adoption Story Board will also get some of that traffic and that can translate into more exposure for everyone's search. Anyone will be able to search it by date or place. They don't have to join a group or a mailing list, they can just look and read. And, it's free!

As to the specifics, you write your story and send it to me along with photos. I have set up an email account for this on aol because it is easier to retrieve pictures using aol. Please send the photos as an attachment in their original size and I will resize them to fit your page. I will format the story and send you the link to it before it is published on the internet. You will have a chance to view the page before it goes public so you can make any changes you want to make.

If you blog or post anywhere on the internet, you are free to use the link to draw people to your story. I will use keywords specific to your search; the keywords are hidden in the html formatting behind the story so no one can see them but the search engines will pick up those keywords within a couple of weeks.

If you are worried about spam, I can take precautions to help eliminate that just as we have done on the genealogy side of the site. Your email address is not visible but is a direct link off your name. If someone clicks on your name, it opens up an email to you. If you want to post confidentially, that link can be set to open an email to me and and correspondence will be forwarded to you.

If you would like to participate, all you need to do is:
Please write your story in notepad not MSWord or you can write it in the email.
Send your story and your photos to Aunt Patty
Send me your contact information in the same email.

For your protection, I will not publish birth certificate numbers, phone numbers or addresses. Your contact information is confidential; just a way for me to reach you and it will never be given out to anyone without your written permission.

This project is in its infancy. I am open to all suggestions and your ideas. I have two stories posted so you can see what your story can look like. You can find them at these two urls:

Birgitta Sjoholm (this story captions the adoptee's birth
name at her request)

Cherie's Continuing Search

If you need more information, please contact me.

Peace to you and those you love,
Aunt Patty

Birth Mother M. L. Wallace, Albany, New York

2009-02-15T22:16:00.000-08:00

I've written many times about Natalie Ann who was born February 21, 1958 in Albany, New York. After a very dedicated search, Natalie has now found her birth mother (who is now deceased) and her twin brothers who were born in Albany, NY, in 1956. Natalie Ann and her twin brothers were born at Brady Hospital.

Here is a new twist to the story which results in yet another search. She also found a brother and a sister born after her, who were looking for her in spite of the fact that they had been told she was half of a set of stillborn twins. Now they all are seeking the missing twin. They are said to have been girls. However, they were also said to have been stillborn; that might suggest we can't trust or rely on hearsay and the missing twin may be male or female.

There is also one more missing child, gender unknown, born in New York in 1960. No other information is available on this child.

Let me give you some information about the mother of these children, before you begin to think ill of her.Aside from the fact that birth control was not readily available, this mother's only fault is that she fell head over heels in love, deeply in love with a man who, in spite of repeated promises to commit to her, never could.

She became pregnant with the first set of twins who were born in 1956. The stigma associated with unwed women having babies would have dictated that she place the boys for adoption. However, when she found out she was carrying twins she kept the boys, not wanting them to be separated from one another.

Then Natalie Ann was born on 02/21/1958 and the story goes that twin girls were born to the mother on that date. They were said to have been stillborn. Since the mother is deceased, we can't ask how or where this story originated. We believe she may have told this story, perhaps as some sort of denial; it almost doesn't matter now. Non-identifying information tells us that the mother cared for Natalie for several months after her birth, but in that non-id there is neither mention of a twin nor mention of other siblings which now have been found...all but the twin plus one born sometime in 1960 in the State of New York and probably in the Albany area.

M. L. Wallace, God Rest Her Soul, finally gave up on this man and found a loving, caring man to marry. They had children, all of whom she could keep and were happily married for 30 years. All her children know about the others and all hope to find the missing twin born February, 1958 and the missing child born May, 1960.

Please contact me if you can help.
Peace to you and those you love,
Aunt Patty

Adoptees Seek - Birth Mothers Seek

2008-10-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

Adoptees and birth mothers or birth families -- if you recognize any of the information, please contact me.

We are hoping to find a male adoptee, born 03/05/1986. He was born in either Staten Island or St. Vincent's Hospital. The private adoption was handled by an attorney in Brooklyn, NY. His Grandmother would love to find him. She believes he was named Christopher but that has probably changed. That is also March 5, 1986 and 3/5/1986 for the web crawlers. Contact lovesdonna2@yahoo.com.

A caucasian male adoptee, born 11/05/1962 in Ogdensburg, NY is searching for any birth family. He has three siblings he would like to find. His birth mother is reported to be of French and Native American descent. That's November 5, 1962 and 11/5/1962 for the web crawlers. (G)

A female caucasian adoptee, born 03/04/1971, would like to find her birth family. She was born in Valhalla or Mt. Pleasant, NY At Valhalla Hospital and adopted through Westchester Family Services in Port Chester, NY. March 4, 1971 3/4/1971 (G)

Natalie Ann, born 02/21/1958 at Brady Hospital in Albany, NY is still searching for her birth mother and twin brothers. February 21, 1958 2/21/1958 (NYAdoptees.com)

We are looking for a caucasian male adoptee, born 02/28/1989 in Rochester, NY at St. Mary's Hospital. Birth mother does not want to disrupt his life; just wants to know he is okay and is open to a relationship if he is willing. February 28, 1989 2/28/1989 (G)

Emily is searching for her birth son, born 05/16/1975 in Rochester, NY. His adoption was handled by Catholic Family Center. May 16, 1975 5/16/1975 (NYAdoptees.com)

A female adoptee, born Infant Hernandez, 06/26/1974 at Long Island College Hospital in Brooklyn, NY. Adoption handled privately; birth mother's maiden name begins with "Willi" -- could be Willis, Williams etc. June 24, 1974 6/26/1974 (NYAdoptees.com)

Jeff, born 04/18/1965, Buffalo, NY is still searching for any birth family. Jeff, whose middle or last name may have been Alan is a Late Discovery Adoptee; he did not learn that he was adopted until he was over 40 years of age.* April 18, 1975 4/18/1975 (NYAdoptees.com)

* For those birth parents who have always been told not to search but who have always hoped their child would search, bear in mind the adoptee may not even know he/she was adopted.

If you have any information about those listed above, please contact me at lovesdonna2@yahoo.com. Your information will be treated confidentially.

Peace to you and those you love,
Aunt Patty

Birth Mothers - Where Are You?

2008-07-18T21:41:00.000-07:00

Natalie Ann, born 02/21/1958, Brady Hospital in Albany, NY would love to meet her birth mother and her twin brothers she had before Natalie Ann was born. We know how difficult and painful it was for you to give her up. You came from Iowa after your mother died to live with your brother in Albany. It wasn't easy for you and we know that. You have a daughter, a son-in-law and grandsons who are waiting to meet you and give you a hug. Where are you?

Jeffrey Alan, born 04/18/1965, Buffalo, NY - we don't know if Alan was his middle name or his last name. Well, Mom, we're pretty sure it was Buffalo but the county doesn't have the best record keeping system, they can't find his paperwork (and I'm being very kind here)so if you've tried to find him, you've probably had about as much luck as he's had trying to find you. Jeff is what is known as a Late Discovery Adoptee - that means he lived his life (until about a year ago) never knowing he was adopted. He needed a passport to cross the border into Canada, asked for his birth certificate, one question lead to another and at age 42 he found out the truth. For all birth mothers who think "if my child wanted to find me, they'd be looking" know that some don't look because they never knew and those who do look hit brick walls every step of the way. Mom, where are you?

Mom, I'm Jennifer, born in Booth Memorial, Buffalo, New York on 4/21/1968.
I was told you were 16 years old at the time of my birth. I was adopted in Ithaca, New York. My adoption was handled by Tompkins County. I'm happy but there is that empty space in my heart that only you can fill. Mom, where are you?

James Edward Lowe, born in Swedish Hospital, Englewood, CO (near Denver, Colorado) on 11/11/1957 says he would love to reunite with his birth family. He lost his adoptive mother about a year ago and his adoptive father before that. His name is David now, he lives in NY State with his wife, children and grandchildren. David's mom, where are you?

And here's more grown adults who are calling out Mom, where are you?
Arlene Koch, now Barbara Anne, born 12/26/1953 at Our Lady of Mercy, NY
Melinda Elizabeth, now Michele Ann, born 07/20/1958 at Albany Medical Center, NY
Amy or Anne Marie, now Renee, born 08/05/1969 in Albion, NY
Dennis, now Jeffrey, born 10/23/1952 in Mineola, NY
Tabitha, still Tabitha, born 11/17/1981 in Rome, NY
Baby Girl Clark, now Peggy Sue, born 04/04/1960 in Rome, NY
Lisa Jean, born 09/12/1968 in Rochester, NY - your mom and birth sister are looking for you; are you in Florida?
Baby girl who is Hispanic or perhaps Puerto Rican, born 05/13/1972 in Lackawanna, NY

You can find hundreds of NY Adoptees and birth parents at this free search and support group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nyadoptees/

If you have information that will help any of these people with their search, please contact me.
I am a search angel - I will not ask you for money.

Peace to you and those you love,
Aunt Patty

ISO Birth Family

2008-04-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

ISO Birth Family is a subject you will see in a google search if you look. Here are some birth families we are looking for and if you can help us, we will be grateful.

Natalie Ann, born Brady Hospital in Albany, New York on 2/21/1958. Mom and twin brothers, where are you? I have a wonderful family I'd love you to meet.

David, born James Edward Lowe in Swedish Hospital, Englewood, CO (near Denver, Colorado) on 11/11/1957 would love to connect with his birth family. David now lives in NY State with his wife, children and grandchildren.

Jeff, born in Iowa Lutheran Hospital, Des Moines, IA on 7/30/1961. Jeff may not be and probably is not his birth name. He was adopted by a dentist and his wife and raised in Kansas. He now lives in New York City.

Jennifer, born in Booth Memorial, Buffalo, New York on 4/21/1968 would love to reunite with her birth mom. She was told her birth mother was 16 years old at the time of her birth. She was adopted in Ithaca, New York. Her adoption was handled by
Tompkins County.

On the flip side of the coin are many birth parents, children taken right from their arms by those in control of their lives at the time.

Emily would love to reunite with her son, born 5/16/1975 in Rochester, New York.

Is Anyone Looking For Natalie Ann

2008-03-05T23:16:00.000-08:00

Being a search angel can be either totally rewarding or extremely frustrating depending upon the day and what's going on. Today, it's been frustrating.

Natalie Ann, (the name given her by her birth mother)was born at Brady Hospital in Albany, NY pretty much during a blizzard in February of 1958. There were many women having babies at that time and it was difficult, according to stories we've heard, to get doctors to and from the hospital. One mom (not Natalie Ann's) giving birth on the very same day, related how women were given some drugs to slow their labor down because they were short staffed.

Natalie Ann is looking for her birth mother and twin brothers. She's not angry or upset that she was given up...after all, raising twin boys who were about two years old had to be difficult enough. She understands how hard it would have been for her mother to keep her...Natalie Ann has children of her own now, so she can relate.

It's tough to know how accurate the information we got really is. I guess, since it's all we have to go on, we have to assume it's the truth. So acting on that, we set out to find a woman who was about 21 in 1958 and we don't even know her name.

We certainly are touched by her situation. She was orphaned when she was just sixteen and having no other relatives she could live with, she left Iowa and went to live with her brother in Albany, NY. We don't know the brother's name either, but he was married and may have been a few years older than Natalie Ann's mother.

From what we've been told, the brother's wife was not thrilled to have her mother living with them. She did finish high school, wanted to be a nursery school teacher and probably got lots of practice and had to have a great deal of patience in raising twin boys.

We've tried Classmates hoping to find pictures of young women who resemble Natalie Ann. She's even scanned hundreds of photos from old yearbooks, hoping to see a face that she will recognize as someone who looks like her. And, while she not much of a political gal, she lobbied in Albany for open adoption records. Finding her mother and her twin brothers is important to her; otherwise she is reading the book of her own life starting with Chapter 2. Chapter 1 is totally missing and that missing chapter leaves a hole in the heart of every adoptee I've ever met.

Natalie Ann (who is not named Natalie Ann today) does not want to disrupt anyone's life and she isn't looking for money. She is happily married, has a good job, a nice home and family and she is an artist. She wonders who she looks like; she wonders if she shares her talent with her mother and in what other ways they may be alike.

She's basically healthy but having her own children knows that family medical history is an important thing to have. She doesn't have it but hopes one day she will.

We've been busy looking for twin boys who may have graduated in the Albany area, knowing full well that they could be anywhere in the world by now. They were born in either 1955 or 1956.

So, stop and think a minute. Maybe you will become another angel who is willing to help. We are looking for a young woman who delivered twin boys in Albany, NY and then a baby girl about two years later in 1958. Her parents lived in Iowa, where we believe Natalie Ann's mother was born. Her father died of a heart attack when he was only 41 years old and her mother died when she was only 16 years old, leaving her an orphan. That's when (or soon after) Natalie Ann's mother went to live in Albany with her brother and his wife.

If this sounds familiar or rings a bell with you, please get in contact with me.
I'm Aunt Patty; I'm not related, I'm just a search angel hoping to reunite families.

Last year I reunited my sister-in-law with her daughter who had been named Donna at birth, hence my screen name lovesdonna2@yahoo.com.

Peace to you and those you love,
Patty

Looking for - Read on!

2007-09-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

I came here to write about my new search and to update my last blog and I will in just a minute.

I sat here, reflecting on what I'd just read about Iowa records being forever sealed and it just torqued me off. I wanted to title this blog "How to stay a child forever" and then thought better of it. But the truth is, adoptees (in most states) are considered children forever. The adoption laws were written as though they would never grow up and become adults, with certain guaranteed rights that most of us take forgranted. We know who we are and where we came from. We can put together our medical history and our ancestral history. We can easily get a passport because we can produce a birth certificate - something few adoptees can do.

Sealed...something we do to food to keep it safe to eat...not something we do to a person's identity. Amended birth certificates - sounds like something that should come with a Cabbage Patch Doll - not real, just take it, use it, and don't ask what appened before it was issued...like pre-adoption moments never existed.

If I'm frustrated, imagine how the adoptee feels!!! Ok, on to updates:

Joanne (see last blog in August) and her family have been reuinted with one of the two sisters...Rose Marie is still missing as of this post and Andy's time is running out. If anyone knows a woman named Rose Marie, from Canada, please read the blog and get the details. You just might be the one to grant a dying man his last wish. And folks, if you think this isn't all that important, try hugging a tombstone. Many have done it and it's just not the same as holding a real live person and being able to say "I love you" one time.

My new search is for Jeff's birth family members. He was born on July 30, 1961, 07/30/1961, 07/30/61, 07-30-1961, 7-30-61 (just trying to keep the web crawlers happy) at Iowa Lutheran Hospital in Des Moines, IA. He was raised in a suburb of Kansas City, Kansas called Prairie Village and now lives in NY.

Like most adoptees, he knows very little. His mother, dark hair and eyes, was 16 and in high school. His father was tall and also in high school. The physician, Dr. Robert Hoffman, is deceased. His nurse/wife, Margaret, claims to have destroyed all the doctor's records upon his death.

I came to know Jeff when I reunited his adopted step sister (my niece) with her birthmom, my sister-in-law. My neice was named Donna at birth, hence my screen name lovesdonna2 - her name isn't Donna anymore but that's really of no moment. They had their first face to face in NYC a week or so ago and that's where my sister-in-law met Jeff.

One more quick update: Cherie (born Natalie Ann) on 02/21/1958 in Albany, NY at Brady Hospital is still looking for her birth mother and twin brothers. Her birth mother was orphaned at age 16, moved from Iowa to Albany to live with her brother.

If anything rings a bell with you or strikes a chord, please contact me.
Peace to you and those you love,
Aunt Patty

A Race Against Time - Help Reunite A Family

2007-08-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

I would like to invite as many people as possible to help -- especially those who are skilled at finding living folks in Canada (although we don't know that these 2 sisters still live in Canada). In a nutshell, a terminally ill man -- Andy Brouwer -- would like to meet two of his sisters before it's too late. He and seven of his siblings were put up for adoption by child care services back in 1962. Six of them have found each other, but with Andy's pancreatic cancer, they're racing against time to find their last two siblings so they can have a reunion with all present. Please help if you can --either by researching or spreading the word.

Read this story now and please help all you can.
http://immigrantships.net/joanne.html

Peace to you and those you love,
Patty

The search continues...1966 Yonkers, NY

2007-04-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

Your birthmom, Sandy, is doing what she can on her end and has contacted Family Services of Westchester County who handled the adoption. I continue to handle the computer end of things.

The Social Worker at Family Services was very nice and your birthmom (at their request) is sending them a long letter to put in the file. It's so wonderful for her to finally find out some of the information that was denied her for so long and to connect with someone who would treat her like the wonderful woman she is.

Sandy was put into a cab when she went into labor and didn't even know which hospital she was being taken to. As soon as her baby was born, she was taken out of the room and Sandy was told she could not see her. As soon as she was able, she sneaked into the nursery to see her beautiful and tiny little girl and tell her how much she loved her.

When Sandy was well enough to return to St. Faith's and then to go home, she begged her mother to let her bring this little one home. She and her father fought her mother for several weeks to no avail.

We keep searching and hoping, wanting very much to reunite with "Donna" who would be a grown woman now, possibly with children of her own. We don't want to disrupt her life; she may not even know she was adopted. We want her to know we are here for her if ever she should want or need us.

We would always be respectful of her wishes and even exchanging medical information would be helpful.

I am your Aunt Patty and I'm sitting here in Colorado on this April night while the snow falls and the cold wind blows. I hope the morning doesn't bring the 6-12" of snow that was predicted. I'm anxious for Spring to come so I can plant a little garden, spruce up the cabin cruiser for summer trips to the lake and play a little golf with my husband. He's a Brooklyn transplant - we make a good pair.

Hugs and much love,
Aunt Patty

More on the New York Unsealed Initiative

2007-02-22T21:16:00.000-08:00

I have spent the day printing letters and envelopes to the members of the New York State Assembly in support of the NY Unsealed Initiative. In the February 15th below, you can find a link to where you can sign the petition. You can also go to the NY State Assembly page on the web at http://assembly.state.ny.us/mem/ and find a listing of the assembly members along with their addresses. Please write to as many of them as you can; I am writing to them all. It is likely that this Initiative will make it through the Codes Committee and a vote of all assembly members will be called. I have sent the following letter to Assembly Member Helene Weinstein who is opposed to the Initiative.

Peace to you and those you love,
Aunt Patty

February 23, 2007

Assembly Member Helene Weinstein
LOB 831
Albany, NY 12248

Dear Assembly Member Weinstein,

As a woman who is active in both searching for and helping to reunite families, I wish to encourage you to support the NY Unsealed Initiative.

It is unbelievable to me that adoptees remain children in the eyes of the law and the courts. Most of them grow to become of legal age, they can serve our country in the armed forces, they can vote, they can own property, they can drive. They marry, have children and grandchildren and yet, they cannot know of their lineage or of those who gave them life. Medical information which would be invaluable to them and their descendants cannot be obtained. Jumping through dozens of legal hoops, almost always results in a slam into the proverbial brick wall. Brick walls of this nature represent injustice and separate families today just at they once did in Berlin.

It's as though this group of adults is owned by the courts and the legal system due to legislation that was enacted 70 years ago. It is clearly a denial of basic civil liberties when adoptees, having reached legal age, having discarded their training pants and the training wheels on their bicycles long ago are denied information about their beginnings and their medical background that rightfully should belong to all of us.

As a genealogist and owner of a well-known genealogy website (Immigrant Ships Transcribers Guild, est. 1998 – immigrantships.net) which is visited thousands of times each day, I know well the efforts one puts into finding their roots and understand well the reasons why it is important for them to do so. Just as researchers struggle to connect to deceased ancestors who made the trip across the Atlantic hundreds of years ago to find freedom and a better life, today’s adoptees and birth parents struggle to connect to their unknown living ancestors. Immigrants came by the hundreds of thousands, many in hopes of reuniting with their families. Adoptees and birth families as well, are denied that basic civil liberty today.

We are a great country; we recognize the value of freedom and the liberties of each individual and to that end, our presence is noted in many countries around the world. Adoptees and birth families alike, have served this country to preserve that right not only at home but aboard; they serve willingly and yet are denied the very basic and individual civil rights they defend.

This must change and I encourage you and the great state of New York to work to that end and to set an example other states may follow. Constitutionally, we are guaranteed equality. At one time, women and slaves were excluded from constitutional guarantees; now adoptees and birth families are excluded.

When my mother died in 1998, she passed the torch of family historian to me. I will never forget her words. She said, “It is difficult to know where you are going if you do not know where you came from.” Simple enough words from a woman, who was born in New York State, raised her family there and lived there all her life. I encourage you to take her words to heart.

Respectfully yours,
Patricia McCormack
Founder/Coordinator
Immigrant Ships Transcribers Guild

Member of:
The MacFarlane Clan of Rome, NY (and Scotland)
The McCormack Clan of Brooklyn, NY (and Scotland)

I may live in Colorado but I am a proud New Yorker; my heritage includes:
Stevenson
Turner
MacFarlane
Meyer
Abbuhl
Jutzler

NY Legislation - please read and support

2007-02-15T11:25:00.000-08:00

Please check out this link and read about the NY Unsealed Initiative. There are links for you to sign in support and if you are a birthmother, there is also a link for you. You do not have to be a resident of NY State to sign.

It is unbelievable to me that adoptees remain children in the eyes of the law and the courts. When it comes to knowing their roots and their medical history, adoptees have no rights and are treated as though they were still a child. They are now of legal age, they can vote, they can drink, they can drive (not at the same time hopefully). They marry and have children and grandchildren and yet, they cannot know of their past if they wish to know. Medical information which would be invaluable to them cannot be obtained. It's as though this group of adults is owned by the courts and the legal system due to legislation that was enacted 70 years ago.

Please offer your support by going to this website:

http://www.unsealedinitiative.org/

Peace to you all and those you love,
Aunt Patty

February 7, 2007

2007-02-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

I have been busy but figured out how to add some pictures to this blog. We continue our search as so many birth mothers and fathers, as well as so many adoptees do. It's difficult having so little information. Having now registered with ISRR and with the State of New York, we are hopeful.

If you are searching also and wish me to add a link to your blog space here, just email me and let me know.

Sometimes, "Life isn't about getting through the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

Peace to all of you and those you love,
Patty

Posting more info on Donna's beginnings

2007-02-02T21:52:00.000-08:00

Sandy, Donna's birth mother, and I have been like sisters since the day we met. I was dating her older brother, Bill, back in high school (that would be Rome Free Academy) in Rome, NY. Bill and I married in July of 1962 and divorced in June 0f 1972. There are three daughters of that marriage who are Donna's cousins. All of my daughters work in the medical profession, two are nurses.

After Bill and I divorced, Sandy and I remained in contact and have always been very close. We still communicate daily by email even though I am now living in Colorado and she still lives in NY.

Here is more information on Donna's beginnings:
Her birth mother is Sandy Shaffer Gotthard
Her birth father is Alfred (Fred) Paul Calicchia II

Sandy was sent to St. Faith's (an Episcopalian home for unwed mothers) in Tarrytown, NY, in November of 1965. She remained there until February of 1966, delivering Donna on January 28, 1966 at a hospital, the name of which she was never told. Retracing the trip recently, even though she was in hard labor and scared to death at the time, Sandy feels sure she was taken to Yonkers, NY. She remembers the name of Dr. Capone who delivered Donna. We searched professional licenses in New York State and found an Anthony J. Capone, MD, an obstetrician and gynecologist, who lives in Irvington, NY and had privileges at St. John's in Yonkers, NY. It appears he may be retired now as he may well be in or nearing his 70's.

Sandy remembers sneaking into the nursery to see her baby girl. The nurses seemed to turn their backs; she remembers "Baby Girl Shaffer" and "Mother: Sandra" on the card on her bassinet. There was a social worker, she cannot remember her name, who encouraged her to keep her little girl. As much as Sandy loved her and wanted to take her home, it was forbidden by her mother. Sandy returned home, leaving Donna at St. Faith's, where both she and her father hoped they could change her mother's mind. That was not to happen and one day, after delaying the signing of the relinquishment papers for as long as she could, Sandy and her father went to the law offices of Larry Cook, Rome, NY, and the papers were signed. Sandy and her dad (who was a wonderful man) cried all the way home.

Sandy had a lot of provisions in those relinquishment papers. She signed papers that assured her that Donna would keep her first and middle name. She was assured that Donna would go to a couple who did not already have children and that they would be a Christian family. She wanted Donna to be adopted by a family with sufficient means to give her a good life -- something that Sandy could not do at that time. She was about to start college, had a low paying job as a clerk and would have no place to live if she brought her baby home.

She gave the attorney a letter for Donna to read when she turned 18 years of age. She also received two pictures of Donna; one when she was quite young and a second when Donna would have been near 2 years of age. Sadly, Sandy's mother destroyed them both.

Sandy's parents, Tom and Bette, are now both deceased. Tom died several years ago and her mother died last year. Sandy has a son and a daughter from her marriage. I have posted some pictures of all of us here in Colorado as well as pictures of Sandy and her daughter. You can view them at http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=151664609&MyToken=98c6b700-3261-4831-828c-07465ed3d84a
Contact me if that link does not work.
I also have another site with just Colorado family members on it. You can view that at:
http://bobandpatty.spaces.live.com/

I'm hoping this information will sound familiar to someone out there reading it.

Peace to you and those you love,
Aunt Patty

ISO Donna Kathleen (birth name), 1-28-1996 NY who is my niece

2007-02-02T16:31:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

I am helping my sister-in-law locate her adopted daughter. She was given the name, Donna Kathleen Shaffer at birth on January 28, 1966. Donna would be my niece and we believe she was born at St. John's Hospital in Westchester County, NY. Dr. Capone delivered her, she was about 2-3 weeks premature and weighed about 4 lbs but was otherwise healthy. We believe she was adopted by a couple who lived in Westchester County, NY.

The entire birth family hopes to make contact with her. A loving relationship with her would be our ultimate wish, however, if that is not her desire, we wish at least to make contact and share medical information that would be useful to her and any children she may have.

Sandy, Donna's mother, would love to hold her just once more and be given the opportunity to let her know that she was loved very much. She was forced to give her up for adoption by her own mother who forbid her to bring this beautiful baby girl home. A letter explaining the circumstances was given to Donna's adoptive parents and that letter was to be given to her when she reached legal age. We don't know if she ever read the letter but we all searching, hoping to have the chance to welcome her into our family where she has been loved and missed every day of our lives.

We are new to searching and have started this blog as one of our many attempts to make ourselves more visible on the internet. I'll be updating it very soon.